Wednesday, May 15, 2013

As-I-Watch-It Review of Les Miserables

8:03 - Hugh Jackman is the best beyond scruffy parolee I've ever seen. I feel simultaneously repulsed and attracted.  And why can't more church men be portrayed as the generous and singing types?

11:27 - How can I keep my teeth from turning black? Because there is no hiding black teeth when you sing.

15:20 - Oh the scabs! The horrible facial scabs! At the end of the day, I am so glad I'm not a French beggar of the 19th century!

17:30 - He took way more than eight years off of his life in the last eight years. And now I feel like I must sing everything. "Is there anyone here who can swear before God she has nothing to fear, she has nothing to hide?" Well, yes. Actually, I think I can... at least before God. Perhaps not before people, but definitely I'm not hiding anything before God.

21:50 - I wasn't sure if it was you, but then I saw you straining and I knew.  Ironic.

24:55 - I really, really, really hope my children don't need my teeth someday.

27:00 - Not graphic, but I had to shrink my screen because there is a tent full of little boys in the back yard.

27:something to 31:ish - Actually cried a tiny bit. And I don't even like Anne Hathaway that much. And I don't understand how she can sing so shortly after having teeth pulled (hey, I could barely talk after having some teeth pulled, not to mention sing my guts out! But maybe my drugs were more powerful.) But I totally get that a mother would do anything she could - would sell everything she has - to save her child.

36:40 - It suddenly just struck me / that I'd have really liked to see / Sacha Baron Cohen / in all of Russell's scenes.  (pretend I just sang that.)

44:32 - Sword vs. Wood Trim Torn From Wall. Never choose the sword.

47:00 - Oh. My. I forgot she was in this movie! HELENA (Bonham Carter) I love you!!!!! Even in nasty, mean inn keeper roles, you are the best.

47:50 - And now I see why he couldn't have taken Russell's place. Sigh.  Such villainy.

52:46 - But where did he get the dry clothes? Didn't he escape out the hospital window into the convenient water below?

55:37 - "Let's not haggle for darling Colette." "Cozette." "Cozette."  LOL'd on that one, I did.

 59:37 - His hand as he strokes her hair = unnatural. Which I guess is natural for someone who is thrust into an unfamiliar responsibility.

63:17 - I'm escaping from the authorities, sneaking around a cemetery with a child I just bought from her decrepit guardians, it's the perfect time to burst into singing!

64:08 - WHY DID THEY GIVE HIM SO MANY SONGS TO SING?!?! He's doing his best, but it's just hard to not hear him say "Are you not entertained?!?"  And I'm not that entertained during this solo on the rooftop.  Plus my husband has walked in, and his attention span isn't musically inclined.

70:00 -You don't see many freckle-faced heroes.  Stop asking so many questions,  Corey.

76:03 - Love always trumps revolution. Love is a revolution of it's own kind. Especially with singing. Wait.  The guy with the pipe looks like Sherlock. Surely not. No, it's not.  Anyway. This younger brother is going to have a uphill battle in love, because it doesn't look like older brother is not going to help him with this love, what with his higher call and all that.  And Corey finds the freckled guy annoying, but really, he's hott in an an endearing, innocent, freckled way.

79:50 - Crap. No time for love. I've got to go with this revolution bit.  Unless the girl that burns with unrequited love for me can find the one that I do love for me.

81:50 - He calls her a lonely child, but she's really rather grown up now.

84:49 - It's beginning to look like they used up all the good songs at the first part of the movie.

85:55 - Wait. I like this weird trio. Kinda. Whoa  That was a pretty high note, Amanda.  And now you're busted for being out in the gated garden at night.

89:00 - Singing in the Rain.  Talking to myself.  She appears to have a dimple on the left side of her smile. Basically, she is just like me. Except with darker hair. And that whole unrequited love part. Right, Corey?

93:00 - Now that is a sports bra.

94:00 - Stirring song, in which we find out that if love disappoints you, you can always fall back on revolution.

96:00 - "Do you hear the people sing? Singing the song of angry men." I am going to hijack this song faster than they hijacked the funeral. "Do you the mother sing? Singing the song of angry mom... something about not being slaves again. I think it has to do with dirty socks..."

98:00 - Well that protest went badly.  Too bad for the piano.  And Russell is infiltrating. I never liked him.  Don't trust him. Listen to the urchin.  And now he's throwing punches instead of telephones.

102:00 - Distant marching footsteps never bode well.  Notice they stopped singing?  Really hard to wage a meaningful  battle when you're singing.

104:00 - How is it raining on her and not him?  But at least she's singing again.  And begging for his affection.  And making the urchin cry.

107:00 - Uh-oh. Valjean has found out Cosette's secret love.

111:0something - I'm tired of keeping track of how much longer this movie goes.  Javert needs to forgive. Like yesterday.

I'm curious about the historical setting of this story. French history has never interested me, so I really don't know that much about it. (I mean, it involved a reign of terror, how edifying could that have been?)  Apparently  it doesn't interest Corey either, as he is heading off to bed.  There is a limit to how many solos he can handle... but I feel like I've committed so much to this movie already, so how can I not finish it?

Did they give Hugh a perm for this role?

If you feel like giving up in a hopeless situation, a singing child with a cockney accent will always energize you to keep fighting. Just hope that he doesn't die within thirty seconds.

Never mind. Listen to the police man with the pom-pommed hat and the waxed mustache.  Please.

They never listen.

Barricade of furniture and mattresses vs. Cannon fire.  Hmmm... I'm pretty sure the brothers are on the losing side.

There is no stopping Jean Valjean.  Not sewers.  Not hopeless revolutionaries.

That little actor kid playing the dead child is amazing.

Russell hears groaning.  All the best scenes take place in a sludge of watery crap.  They end with Javert at the top of the stairs.  Because he won't give in.  Corey has missed the best part.

Top of the bridge. Green screen, much?  I don't know what's making me sick: the high "note" of Javert's suicide solo or the crash at the bottom of the leap.  Maybe I shouldn't have stayed up for this.

How would you sing "There lived a man named Jean Valjean..." without laughing?  "Who am I? Who am I? I'm Jean Valjean." *snicker.

In the end: love does outlast revolution. Except that in heaven the revolutionaries get to keeping singing their angry song. Well, that part doesn't make sense, does it?

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