Friday, August 3, 2012

Procrastination Cookery

"About an hour ago," according to facebook's accurate time keeping,  I recorded this most inspiring status:
I think it might just be time for a little procrastination in my life.
I followed up with another brilliant idea:
actually, I'm thinking about pairing that procrastination with some ice cream on the side. that really sounds like what I need right now.
And so I walked to the kitchen...

This is the part in my show when all my veg-table-ari-an friends and neighbors might have to change the channel or pretend I am talking about the sweet corn we had for dinner or the fresh tomato and basil salad I made or the mounds of broccoli and purple cauliflower waiting for me in my refrigerator.

...where I remembered the 20 pounds of pork waiting fer ta be pulled...

Also pretend I have not been talking in a thick Carolina accent to which I have never been able to lay claim. I skipped the procrastination and the ice cream and pulled that pork to pieces. Delicious, juicy, fat-laden pieces. Goodness. I hope there is barbecue in heaven.
I am not certain on the theology of eating and drinking in a state of blessed eternal life, but I do recall the book of Revelation referencing a "marriage supper of the Lamb."
Supper is a country word.  Look it up.
Lambs, I realize, are vegetarian, just like the people who aren't reading this post.  Lambs eat grass and maybe broccoli.
But maybe, since it will be heaven and all, we could have Bar-Be-Que on that grass?
Just in case we can't have pork in heaven, not even in the Gentile section, I'm eating my fair share of it here on earth.  Here's how I do it, you can do it to:
  1. Call the meat market.  Get Ask for their best price on a pork picnic roast.  Explain that you think it means a shoulder roast.  Agree to a "boneless butt roast" if it does, indeed, come from the shoulder of the beast. Scrawl their offered price per pound on a scrap of paper.
  2. Call the nearest competing meat market.  Ask for their best price on a pork picnic/shoulder/butt roast.  Scrawl this figure beside the price from the first market.
  3. Note that the two prices are exactly the same.  Call the first place because you gave them such a definition run-around.
  4. Order 15 pounds of boneless pork butt roast (that actually comes from the shoulder) because the lady on the phone says you should be able to get 4 sandwiches per pound of meat. 
  5. Once you've hung up the phone, do the sandwich calculations. 15X4=60.  Realize you need roughly 80 sandwiches.
  6. Call the meat market back and ask for 5 more pounds. Arrange a pick up time.  Profusely offer thanks.
  7. Forget.
  8. Pick up meat early the morning after the pre-arranged pick up day.  Casually, as you are making payment, inquire as to the correct time and temperature to which the meat should be cooked.
  9. While lugging around 20 pounds of boneless pork butt (that actually comes from the shoulder), proceed with a tour of the meat market's portable barbecue ovens and a moderately detailed description of the proprietor's late mother's roasting methods.  Nod politely, taking no notes.
  10. Hurry the meat home. Place in borrowed roaster set to 325. Drizzle with bottled BBQ sauce.  Place lid atop roaster.
  11. Leave home.
  12. Run back in the kitchen to make sure you plugged the roaster into the wall. (You did.)
  13. Leave home again, but for several hours this time.
  14. Re-enter home to the amazing smells of MEAT cooking itself away in your kitchen.
  15. Check the internal temperature of the meat. Sample a piece, if it has cooked to a high enough temperature.
  16. Turn off roaster when your husband makes a remark about overcooking.  Allow the meat to cool to touchable (but not comfortable touching) temperature. 
  17. Forget.
  18. Plan for ice cream and procrastinations.
  19. Walk in the kitchen.
  20. Remember.
  21. Using two over sized worthless forks, remove cooked-to-perfection and falling apart chunks of boneless pork butt (that actually comes from the shoulder) from the roaster and separate out the large portions of fat (save fat for the puppy).  Shred remaining meat using two forks.
  22. Give up on the forks idea and start using your hands.
  23. Place shredded meat in a clean plastic container (an old ice cream bucket works great)
  24. Do you have a problem with people who take their ice cream in a bucket? Are you saying I eat too much ice cream? 
  25. Drizzle generously with more bottled BBQ sauce.
  26. Get over the guilt of not preparing a sauce from scratch and stir the shredded meat until sauce is more evenly distributed.
  27. Forgo even distribution because you're tired of the slick of boneless pork butt (that actually comes from the shoulder) grease on your hands.  Empty remaining contents of BBQ sauce bottle on the meat, snap a lid down on it and bury it in the recesses of your refrigerator.
  28. Clean up.
  29. Or, alternatively, get back to the procrastination.
About that broccoli...

1 comment:

  1. Love this, Honour. That's exactly how I would act asking the butcher about how to cook the meat. Fortunately, the husband of my house got into smoking pork a few years ago-so I'm off the hook. And I also wanted to post on your other post about homeschooling- good for you! Hope it's as great as you hope it to be.